the bathroom at the forge
I put out this ad on craigslist to find someone to help me with this wacky idea for a TV show or movie. I’d make it a book series but I’m not sure I have it in me to be a novelist. Anyroad, he has this whole “DoTheEllen” conquest where he wants to raise money to cure cancer and score a dance with Ellen DeGeneres. He wrote a book about it, I read some of a rough draft and it reminded me of things I’d forgotten. Things like impossible only being impossible because we let it. Reminding me that there are people out there who will be on the same wave-length as me, but I might have to go through a hundred or maybe even a thousand people before I find them.
He reminded me that life isn’t really worth living if we can’t live it as ourselves. I’m an odd duck, there’s no doubt about that. What is normal or easy to me may be ridiculous and hard to others.
I’ve come to realize part of why I have a hard time with my identity, who I am, who I should be, is because I’ve been relying too much on other people’s perspectives to guide me rather than my own instincts, desires and intuition. I’ve been a sucker of that age old fear of being hurt. Emotional pain is one pain I have a very hard time dealing with. Mostly because the darkness inside me rears out in those times and all the “evil” things I think, or arguably fantasize about come flooding to the surface, begging to be made a reality. I feel like “Hulking out.”
I’m one person with many perspectives. Not so much like multiple personalities but almost. As me, as Remmy, I have the desires and feelings and moods that change like the waves in the sea. Sometimes it’s the aggresive chop of white caps and cross winds I want, and sometimes I want the sensual and soothing elegance of a calm shoreline. In this, I can seem … “fake” to people. It’s hard for them to understand that when my personality shifts, my mannerisms change and even my accent or manner of speech changes… it’s not necessarily as a facade to hide the truth, but rather an expression of the truth, of who I am.
I’m Pieces by birth, by the stars and I never really realized it until just now but I guess I’m quite literally a fish in the sea. As the sign suggests my very nature is dependent of the people and beings I’m around. I’m forever tied to the cosmos, every soul, every molecule of water. I’m moved and motivated by the atmosphere I’m in. So when I’m with a group of hippy types listening to Alice In Chains talking about Quantum Physics and world peace, you can bet your ass I’m probably going to be relaxed in my chair spinning poetic soliloquy of any number of perspectives; thick with questions to ask my cohorts, because understanding is key to communication.
… and if I happen to be hanging out with a younger crowd influenced by Hip-Hop culture, profanity and slang, I’m going to cuss like a sailor and probably subconsciously adapt my words to the slang and cadence of everyone else. … or I’m going to be the quiet voyeur smirking and snickering at it all.
This feels natural to me, not doing it takes conscious thought. When I’m one on one with someone, it can sometimes be more difficult to be… anything. I’m not sure I know how to explain what it’s like, what goes through my mind, what I feel or don’t feel.
—— on an unrelated note, I was writing this before I was going to catch a bus and just now realized I’m going to miss it because there’s no way I can make it around the corner down the hill in two minutes. Part of me feels bad because I need to go to the library to do stuff, and part of me doesn’t because this was good shit… what I was writing. At least I think so, just poured out. ——
Anyway, you’re probably wondering what any of this has to do with the picture I chose. In the way that I feel like I have— I am, multiple perspectives, I’m still just me. It’s all me, and by itself, it’s just a piece of a whole. Like the bathroom tiles in the picture… each one alone, is just a tile, together, bathroom wall and floor.
I got in the habit of trying to be the me I thought other people wanted me to be. I’m going to start being the me I want to be, I feel like being around who ever I’m around. And as a Pisces, you can be sure I’ll still be influenced by the personalities, attitudes and emotions of those around me.
♀|} The Analyst